You'll regret the things you haven't done

Writing Group – 4/15/09

Feelings, am I holding back any?

Recently, a few months ago, I read something in a book about a character who, according to the narrator, had never had an unexpressed thought. I found the concept amusing and mentioned it to my wife. She told me that it was her distinct impression that I, like the character, have never had an unexpressed thought.

So does that apply to feelings? Nope.

Carolyn enjoys relating the time, in late September, 2007, when I had an unexpressed feeling of pain, at least, for a while. We were visiting her brother and sister-in-law in New Jersey when I started having pain in my right shoulder. For a while, it wasn’t too severe, and I thought I’d pulled a muscle. I thought about heart attack, but I discounted it because I wasn’t sweaty or short of breath, and my pulse rhythm was regular and my pulse rate was normal. But, the pain started getting worse, and it kept getting worse.

Finally, I didn’t finish my dinner, unusual for me, and asked Carolyn to drive us home, also unusual for me. My rationale, unexpressed, was that if I were indeed having a heart attack, and I died, I didn’t want Carolyn to be in the passenger seat while the car was going 65 on the Jersey Turnpike.

I also told her I was having pain on my right side and that I needed an aspirin. That was a test. She was supposed to pick up on the fact that I wanted an aspirin and then she was supposed to figure out that the reason I wanted the aspirin was that I thought I might be having a heart attack. She didn’t figure that out.

She did figure out that something was quite wrong with me, and asked if I thought I was having a stroke. I reassured her that my symptoms weren’t anything like a stroke. Then, she figured out the right question to ask. She asked, “If you had a patient with symptoms just like you’re having, what would you tell them to do?” So I told her that I’d advise such a patient to call 911 right away. She hadn’t actually driven onto the Jersey Turnpike yet, so we pulled into a parking lot, and we called 911.

You might ask, why was I playing games like that in the middle of having a heart attack, which is what I was having. I’d answer, that I was in denial, at least a little bit. But that’s not the whole story. I just didn’t want to have a heart attack at some strange hospital in New Jersey, which is what happened. It turned out fine. The hospital was nice, and I lived.

So, that’s the story of my most recent unexpressed feeling.